Marriage, The Fountain Of Life Or The Kiss Of Death

Marriage is a pill with the same label to everyone who swallows it, but to some it’s life giving and to some it’s a bitter poison.  I am 13 and ½ years into the best marriage I have ever had.  Ok, the only marriage I have ever had but it is the best!

Ecclesiastes 9:9 says, “Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vainlife that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun.”

Marriage is supposed to be enjoyed!

I’m at the age where many of the people I went to High School and College with are going through the Facebook change.

You know what I mean. You see it.

One day you see a picture on their profile and it’s just them.  Their spouse is no longer in the picture.  I mean literally they are out of the picture.   They’ve been scrubbed out of the profile and out of their life.

As the world of social media goes, these are people whom I’m friends with but I don’t see on a regular basis.  Many of them I haven’t seen for years.  I look a little deeper into their profiles and I find out that their marriage ended.

…and I grieve for them.

…They didn’t ask me to.

…They may not be grieving…

But I am

You may be one of these friends of mine who has gone through a divorce.  Maybe you are doing well and things are going well after the divorce, for that I’m thankful.

But for me to see marriages end hurts me to the core.  Many times I feel like I grieve over marriages that are lost more than the people getting a divorce.  I know that no one gets married with the hope to someday be divorced.

I’ve been trying to pinpoint in my on heart why I’m so hurt when people I have little connection with go through divorce.  I think there are a few reasons.

I impose myself into their story and I think about if Charyl and I were ever to divorce.   This may be the root of it.  Our lives are so interconnected and our love for one another is so deep that I think for me it would be worse than death.  I think about the deep deep hurt that must take place between two people who were intimately joined together for years and now are split apart. I just can’t even allow myself to go there.

I think about the kids. Having just gone through the Holidays and experiencing the joy of everything together I couldn’t imagine how tough it must be for children to understand how everything has changed. How the very foundation of their security has unraveled and they are helpless to do anything about it.  Many times the children blame themselves.  They have to learn a new life and navigate going to different homes and having different schedules.  They have to learn a new way that their parents are interacting.  No longer as mom and dad but often as adversaries.  I don’t want that for my kids.

I think about how my friends who are divorcing may have been cheated on or cheated in the marriage.  I think about the pain of betrayal and loss of trust that must of happened.  I’m sure it must have rocked them to their very core.  To have the person you trust most betray you in the most intimate way must be a pain that is so deep.  I grieve for them to have to go through that.  I hurt that they hurt, many times through no fault of their on.

It also grieves me because I feel like the most valuable gift a person can have has been discarded. There is no greater gift than marriage. I know this may not feel true for many, for some it may feel like a curse.  But marriage is a gift from God and when a married couple loves and supports each other through life there is no greater gift.

Marriage is making a life together with someone who knows you best.

Marriage is having your best friend with you through every season.

Marriage is getting past the initial butterflies of first love feelings and finding something better, something deeper called friendship.

Marriage is laughing, crying and having someone to send GIFs to all day long. Marriage is frustrating and sanctifying.

Marriage is having someone with you to take you to the hospital and sit with you.

Marriage is exploring life and the world with your true love.

Marriage is a picture of something greater, Christ and His Church.  The real meaning of marriage is to show the world a picture of a relationship that matches God and His people.  When a marriage fails the picture is lost.

I really grieve because I feel like my friends missed out on the greatest gift.  I hate to see my friends miss out on good things.   What they wanted for a good thing became a horrible thing their lives.

I would offer a little bit of hope when it comes to marriage.

If you are not married and want to be married, make sure your marry well.   So many marriages end because they never should have started. Young couples are infatuated with each other and know nothing of commitment but marriage seems attractive to them so they jump in and pretty quickly jump out.  Before you get married you better ask yourself a few questions.

Do our values/beliefs match?

Do we want the same things out of life?

Do we have the same ideas about children (how many we want and how we will raise them)?

Have you learned to fight fair?

Do you like their family?

Do you have the same ideas about money?

Do you enjoy their friendship?  If you weren’t attracted to them physically would you still want to hang out with them?

How do they handle stress? When and if you have children the stress levels will rise.

It is surely better to wait or be single than to marry the wrong person.  Never get married without going to premarital counseling first.  Marriages are easy to get into but painful to get out of.   Get into the right marriage.  Maybe you feel like your season of youth is passing and you feel the pressure that if you don’t get married now then it probably won’t happen for you. Again, better to be single than to marry the wrong person.  Wait. Pray.

If you are married and struggling there is hope!

I have been in ministry for about 18 years now and I have seen so many marriages on the brink of collapse that have been restored and are now healthy and thriving.

Keep Trying.

Keep forgiving.

Go see a counselor.

Talk to your pastor.

Get involved in a couples group at your church.

Actually work on your marriage.

Be loving and respectful even when your spouse is not.

I have counseled many couples and I understand that not every marriage is going to make it.  One person is not enough to make a marriage work. Too many times I have seen one spouse who will literally do anything to save their marriage and the other spouse could care less.  Unfortunately, most of these marriages do not make it.  It takes two people both giving a 100%.

But when two imperfect people surrender to a perfect God and allow Him to lead their marriage there is nothing sweeter!  IMG_7543

If I can help you in some way with your marriage send me a personal message.  There are so many resources out there to help with those who really want it.

 

 

 

 

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10 Things I’ve Learned In 10 Years Of Marriage

I can remember it like it was yesterday. It was one of the most defining moments of my life. All the people that I cared for showed up (minus a few that hadn’t been born yet).   My best friend stood beside me. My hands were sweaty and my knees were weak. There was a harpist playing a beautiful melody as couples walked down the aisle dressed to the nines. And then the moment happened…the automated bells tolled and the doors swung open. There she was, my love, my dream girl, my to wife to be! I have never seen a prettier sight.  I was 23 and she was 22 (that seems awful young to me now).   We were two kids in love with a lot of dreams. I am usually not too nervous in front of groups of people, but I was really nervous that day. I answered the preacher and looked into her eyes and meant every word I said. That was an amazing day that I will never forget.

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From that day to this day seems like the blink of an eye. I have a belief that the more you are enjoying your life the faster it goes. We are 10 years into this journey together. I pray we have at least 40-50 more together.   Life has gone by at the speed of light and every year it gets better and every year it moves faster.   I wanted to take just a minute to reflect and share some lessons I have learned in the last 10 years with my amazing wife, Charyl.

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It gets better and things change. Our first year of marriage was not horrible but it was an adjustment. Every year we know each other better and love each other more.   Don’t give up. Maybe you are in year 1 or 2 and you feel like you have been tricked.   Stick with it. As you grow together you begin to grow together. The more life change you experience together the more you learn to trust one another.

Here are just a few of the changes that we have been through in 10 years:

We have lived in 7 different houses.

We have had 4 children.

I added between 20 – 35 extra pounds.

Charyl got more attractive (if that was even possible).

Together we have had 8 different jobs or career changes.

Our income has gone up. Our expenses have gone up.

We have had 2 dogs.

We have had 7 different cars.

We bought and sold a house.

I have infinitely more gray hairs than I had when we got married.

We have made more new friends than we can count.

I have been to 7 different countries.

Charyl started a very unexpected business that has become a career and ministry (Premier).

I have been a youth pastor, middle school pastor, young families and college pastor, senior pastor, and am currently the discipleship pastor.

Charyl went from RN to Jewelry lady.

We became special needs advocates (particularly for families who have a member with down syndrome)

Jesus has been with us every step of the way. He has never left us. He has never forgotten about us.

He has been most near when things have been most difficult.  

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Happy Wife, Happy Life (Or if you are a woman: Happy Man, Happy Land) – Maybe you have heard this statement, “If momma aint happy then nobody’s happy.” When Charyl and I got married my mother gave me some advice that I almost blew off at the time. She said, “Rick, your job is to help Charyl not be stressed.”   In the last 10 years I found this to be a peach on the tree of wisdom. I heard Tony Evans say that if you want to know where you are spiritually as a husband, then look at your wife.   She is a reflection of you.   I have found when I have not been the husband I need to be it affects Charyl. When I do not love, serve, and make time to meet her emotional needs then it affects everything else in our home. She is the heart of our home.   Husbands would do well to give great attention to the heart.   This is an area I hope I am growing in.

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Marriage Is Not 50/50 Or Even 100/100 – I believe the best marriages give all they can don’t expect anything in return. The best ratio would be 100/0 or 100/not my responsibility.  As long as you are expecting something in return you will struggle. Appreciate what your spouse does. Don’t act like what you are doing is harder or more important than what your spouse does. Never belittle them. Your job is to build them up and not tear them down.

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Time Is Short So Don’t Waste It. The first ten years have blazed by. Life has only picked up speed.   Take time each day to hug your spouse, kiss your spouse, pray with your spouse, and talk to them. Go Home! Work is hard and long. If you don’t go home then you will grow distant from your spouse. Date your spouse. Try to make a time weekly or at least a couple of times a month where you just focus on one another. Family time with the kids is vital but it is even more vital that you connect with one another in a setting where you can really talk with no stress and no distractions.

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Little Things Will Kill Your Marriage Or Make It Stronger – Most fights are over little things. He didn’t put is clothes in the hamper. She didn’t remember to get what you asked her to get at the store. Instead of flying off the handle, build a bridge and get over it. They are not perfect and neither are you. Growing your love for one another is also built on little things. Pick up flowers for no reason. Hold hands with one another. Leave notes for one another. Look for little things to appreciate in one another. When you see something, say something. Never let a complement go unsaid. Words have the power of life and death…particularly in a marriage.

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Marriages Are Not One Size Fits All – There are so many marriage books out there but your marriage is not like any of them. Principles can help but your marriage is like you…it’s unique. A system that worked for your parents may not, probably will not, work for you. Make your own normal.

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Your Children Will Bring You Together Or Push You Apart…You Choose Which.   Children are one of life’s greatest blessings. They can bring so much joy to your life and your marriage.   If you make your children the most important thing in your life then your marriage will suffer…it may even die. I have witnessed too many couples that had children and forgot about each other.   The best thing you can do for your children is having healthy marriage. Do not let your children drive a wedge between you and your spouse.

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Marriage Means There Is Someone With You At The Hospital. When you are a teenager, love and marriage is all about emotion and romance. Most of the romance revolves around attraction and the hope of a great sex life. This is all well and good but as your grow older you realize that there is nothing better than living with your best friend and knowing they will be there for you for better or worse, through thick and thin. Romance turns to something more beautiful called commitment.

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Find Something You Like To Do Together. We watch “Chopped” together. This is a cooking show that is on Netflix. My wife and I don’t watch much TV. We really don’t have time. But there is a brief moment at the end of most weekdays between about 8:30-9:30 that the kids are asleep and we still have enough energy to talk. We talk for a few minutes and then we watched Chopped.   We don’t say much. We might hold hands but it is the simple act of being in the presence of one another. Enjoy each other’s company.

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Without Jesus We Would Not Make It – Pray for each other. Worship together. Make church attendance a non-negotiable of your home. Have family worship time at the dinner table at least a few times a week. There is NOTHING more important in your marriage than keeping Jesus as the foundation. There are not many things that make us more like Christ than the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit through marriage.

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A Dad’s Proverbs 7 to His Girls

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Proverbs is one of my favorite books of the Bible.  It gives so much wisdom on how to live the day-to-day life.   Proverbs gives particular insight to young men and how to watch out for sexual temptation (Chapters 5 and 7) that could derail their lives and ultimately kill them.

I wish there was a chapter in the Bible like that for girls.   I have 3 girls that I want to be pure young ladies.   I want them to know what to watch out for.  I am writing this as an open letter for my girls to read and if you would like you can read it as well.  I am in no way comparing what I write to scripture.  These are just a few of my thoughts that I want my girls to consider as they grow up.

WATCH OUT FOR BOYS!  A COUPLE OF DON’TS!

Yong men have a deep sexual desire, especially in their teens, that they have not yet learned to control.  Because of this you must be wise and discerning.  Here are a few things you should not do.

Don’t sit on their laps.

Don’t kiss them.

Don’t give them full frontal hugs.

Don’t be alone with them.

Don’t share a blanket with them.  A lot can happen under a blanket.

Don’t start something you do not intend to finish.

Don’t start ‘dating’ until you are in a season of life where you are ready for marriage.  This is NOT 16 for most girls.   Do not awaken love until its time.

Don’t listen to them.  They will say whatever they have to in order to get you to make them feel sexual pleasure.   Their words, although they make you feel good, are shallow.  They have not had time to develop character that you will desire in a husband.   The man you want to marry will be a man who will seek first to honor God and then you and only after marriage will he one day be intimate with you.

YOU ARE SO VALUABLE!

God says you are valuable and I say you are valuable!  It is hard for a young man to see past your exterior.  Your body is one of the greatest gifts you will ever give.   The times we live in have cheapened sex to be as random as a hug or handshake but God never meant it to be so.   God meant it to be a mingling of two souls.   He wired your body and soul together.  You will have a deep emotional attachment to whomever you share your body with.   Save your body for your spouse.   Wait until marriage to have sex.  This will strengthen your marriage in years to come in a way that you cannot imagine at the present time.

BE CAREFUL

Be careful of the Internet.  Facebook, snapchat, twitter, and the 1000 other things that will be invented before you read this could be your undoing.  Don’t take a picture of yourself and put it online unless your dad has approved it.  Never take a picture of yourself and send it to a boy.   You never know where it may resurface.   I will help you with this.  Pictures and comments will be online for eternity and they could harm your future.

YOUR DRESS

The way you dress is a reflection of your heart.   If you dress provocatively it is a clear picture that you need attention and you will do whatever you have to in order to get attention.  Do not worry about how the other girls dress.   If you are a Godly woman with character then the right man WILL notice you at the right time.   Modesty does not hide a beautiful woman — it reveals her.  Your mother is a gorgeous modest woman and she can help you find modest fashion.  If you are ever in doubt about whether you should or should not wear something, ask me.   I will give you an honest answer.

A BIG CHOICE

Choosing a spouse is the second most important decision you will make in your life after choosing your God.   If you believe your mother and I love you then allow us to have a very strong voice in helping you choose who you will date and marry.  No one loves you like your mother and I and we may be able to see things in your potential suitors that you may be blind to because of infatuation.

LOOK DEEP

We are all somewhat superficial.  Please look at a man’s character more than his appearance.  As a young person I am sure you desire a man who will be attractive to you.  I can promise you that if you marry a man who loves Jesus with all his heart, over time, he will become your “Prince Charming.”   Proverbs 31 says of a woman that, “Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”   The same can be said of a man.  Look for a man who fears the Lord.

GRACE COVERS ALL SINS

Remember that Daddy and Mommy are praying for you.  No matter what decision you make in regard to your future husband please know that I am praying for you and for him.  I am praying God will give you wisdom and discernment that one day, if the Lord wills, you will find a man who loves you as much as I do…that might be impossible.