16 Things I Am Learning About Being A Dad

I think everyone knows that if we had fathers who were better fathers then the world would be a better place. I was blessed with a dad who has always been a ray of sunshine to those around him.  He taught me so many things.  Perhaps one of the reasons I have always wanted to have a big family is because my dad has always been my hero and it’s a way that I too could be a hero. I don’t know if I am a hero to many but I know there are 5 little souls that call me daddy.  The title of Dad is one that is honored and comes with a lot of responsibility.  Here are some things I have learned about being a dad.  Maybe they can help you.

1. Put the kids to bed.

I have found that kids open up and talk when it’s bedtime.  Maybe they are just stalling so they wont have to go to sleep but bedtime is a sacred moment to connect with your children.  It’s a time to pray over them and bless them.  It’s a comfort to children that the last voice they hear is their father who loves them praying over them.  They go to sleep feeling secure.

2.  Don’t waste drive time.

I have found the best time to disciple my kid’s is in the car.  We have very meaningful spiritual conversations on the way to school. There are very few distractions and they can’t go anywhere.  If you are intentional you can use this time to teach them life’s most important truths. You can read more about what I do with my kid’s here https://pastorrickhermann.wordpress.com/2014/08/25/dont-waste-drive-time-with-your-children/

3.  Push them on the swing. Soon they won’t ask.

The years that they are small enough to swing on the swing or play with you at the pool are so very short. I know you are tired and have other things to do…but go push them on the swing.

4.  Take them with you.

The best way to disciple you children and teach them about life is just to take them with you.  I learned so many lessons about how to be a man by just hanging out with my dad.  We would go visit the nursing home to see my grandmother, burn piles of leaves in the yard, and mow yards together.   Everything he did taught me about life.   It’s now my habit to always have some child with me…many times I will have all 5.  Life is the greatest teacher.  Take them with you and take the time to explain what is going on and how you are responding.

5.  Learn to explain what you are doing.

Kids ask so many questions. I must hear the word “Daddy” a thousand times a day.   Honestly, it can be super frustrating and annoying.  But God made children to learn.  They question everything.  If we have the patience (which often I do not) to answer them then we are building the fabric of their lives.  We are shaping how they see the world.  That is a big responsibility.

6.  Let them try and fail. They will not do it right till they do it often.

My 9-year-old girls are good little cooks.  They can make pancakes, broccoli and a number of others dishes all by themselves.  They couldn’t always do it.   They messed up a lot of pancakes learning how to flip them.  We have to let our children try and try again so they can learn.   Allow them to fail.  This is a hard part of the parenting journey.  Help them fail forward and learn each time they try.

7.  Give them individual time.

The more children you have the more of a challenge this will be.  I try to take my daughters on daddy/daughter dates at least a couple of times per year. My son and I hang out together often.  This one on one time means so much to your children and builds a foundation of love for a lifetime.

8.  Don’t allow the world to revolve around your children.

It seems so many families today plan their life around their children.  If you do this then your child is likely to grow up believing what you have taught them, that the world revolves around them.  It’s going to be really hard for them in the real world when they find out that it’s not true.

9.  Hug them a lot.

If your children aren’t frustrated or embarrassed by how much you hug them and show them affection, in a healthy way, then you probably aren’t hugging them enough.

10.  Encourage them often.

Home must be a safe place where your kids know they have a place that they fit in.  Shower them with words of encouragement as often as possible. Call them to who you believe they can be.

11.  Discipline them as if their future depends on it, because it does.

12.  Be there for them.

Go to their games, recitals, awards, and everything else that you possibly can.

13.  Show them faith.

Remember they do not do what you tell them as much as they become who you are.

14.  Teach them to be kind to others.

The world is full of mean people.  Teach your children to be kind.  Teach them to invite children to their birthday party that may not get invited by others.  Teach them to love all people, especially those that may be a little different.

15.  Show them how to serve the family.

16.  Be Their Friend.

I understand that I am always called to be my child’s parent first. I must teach them and correct them and guide them.  But I also understand that there will soon come a time when they will leave my home. I want to be their friend.  It is the friendship that parents have with children that last longer than the “parenting “ years.  Two of my greatest friendships are with my mom and dad. They will always be my parents but they are also the ones I call on when I need a listening ear and a word of advice. They are the ones who pray for me. We have a deep friendship.  I want to foster this kind of relationship with my children.

What have you learned about being a dad that I left off?

A Different Kind of Family

What does family mean to you?

To me, family is a word that represents closeness.  Usually when we talk about family we are talking about our blood relatives, father, mother, brothers and sisters.  These constitute the closest relatives that we can have.

Families are the people that know you better than most and love you anyway.

Families are the people who show up in your life when everyone else may be leaving.

Families are the ones whom you have shared much of life and childhood with.

Families are the people who shaped you when you were a child.

Families are the people you look like and have mannerisms like.

Families are the people you go home to at holidays.

Families are the people who are sit with you when you are in the hospital.

Families are the people who give you money if you have an emergency.

Families are the people you build a future with.

Families are typically the closest group of people you have on earth.

Growing up in my home were Dad, Mom and my two older brothers.   These people I dearly love and they are my family.  God has blessed me with a spectacular earthy family of my own.  I have a wife and five children.

Not all families love. Not all families are great.

I have often heard it said that blood is thicker than water.   There are some who believe blood relationship is closer than any other earthly bond.

Jesus didn’t seem to think that blood relationships defined family.

Jesus made it clear that there was a deeper family.

When he was preaching, teaching and healing his earthly family (mom and brothers) came to Him. It seems that they wanted to shut Him up.  When asked if He would see His family Jesus gave a peculiar answer.  He said, “Who are my mothers and brothers?” And looking about at those who sat around Him, he said, “here are my mother and brothers! For whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother.” 

Jesus was making a point. Blood relatives are important but real family is found in the kingdom of God.

Belief is a stronger than blood.

The Kingdom is more important than kin.

This is a hard lesson that Jesus was teaching.  Jesus would make it clear that to put faith in Him would sometimes cause a huge rift in families.  It would cause a major divide.   Not everyone would trust Him.  Not everyone would follow Him.  Jesus would not apologize when He said that he would set mother against daughter and father against son.

The Kingdom of God is more important than the Kinship of man.

But to follow Jesus and be at odds with your family does not leave you without a family.  Jesus was making the point that there is a greater family.  It’s a family of something deeper than blood, belief.  It is a family of faith.

Blood, but not our blood unites the Church, the family of God.   The blood of Jesus unites us.  We hold to a common core belief that rules all other beliefs.  It’s the belief that Jesus is the Messiah.  He died for the sins of the world.

While we still have physical families we have a spiritual family and if our earthly family does not line up with our spiritual family (the church) then we must go with our spiritual family.

The strongest and most complete picture of family is when your earthly family and your spiritual family align.  My greatest prayer for my wife and children is that their first and most important relationship will be with Jesus.   When they are following Jesus and I am following Jesus we align our lives in every way.

If you did not grow up in a home with a close earthly family, God did not leave you without a family. When you follow Jesus you become part of a big family.  The Church becomes your brother and sisters.  You find a place of love and acceptance.

The church is the family of God and the hope of the world.

 

When Life Is Overwhelming

As I get older my life becomes more and more about responsibility.   I have a job where a number of people depend on me.  I have 5 children and sometimes the perfect storm can happen when life can just feel downright overwhelming.

That’s where I find myself this morning.  My 4th child, Joy has pneumonia and she’s been in the hospital for 6 days. If you’ve ever stayed the night in the hospital it’s a super expensive hotel room that provides the most awful nights sleep.  My wife has been there 4 nights in a row.

When one child is sick that doesn’t mean the other 4 cease to have needs.   Here’s a little rundown of the frustrating week we’ve had.

It all started with Joy getting a virus.  Joy passed the stomach virus on to Charyl.   A few days later Joy’s cold worked its way into her lungs and Joy was hospitalized with pneumonia and low O2.  This led to Charyl and I missing our 14thwedding anniversary date because we were in the hospital with Joy.  Next, we missed our baby, Mary Charlotte’s, second birthday party because Joy was in the hospital.  The next morning Mary Charlotte woke up with the stomach bug and threw up all over big brother Ty.   Because of Mary Charlotte now being sick both Charyl and I would miss Ty’s (Our oldest child) 5th grade graduation and end of the year festivities.  From here things went from bad to worse for Joy.  Her O2 numbers were not going up quickly enough so she was transferred to ICU at Scottish Rite by ambulance.  Around this time I picked up some of Joy’s bacteria and decided to develop bronchitis.   To the doctor I went to get a Z-pack.   The drama continues as Ty then received the blessing of the all night stomach bug from Mary Charlotte.   It gets better!   Grandma (my mom) who came to help with all this chaos now received the gift of the stomach bug.

Joy is still in the hospital. If the dog died this week then we would complete our country music song of a life.  Good luck Duke.

Sometimes these kinds of weeks happen when you have a lot of children.  Sometimes life is just hard.   Life is suffering.  I know there are so many people out there whose daily reality is worse than my overwhelming times.

God gives Grace.

When these things happen I always feel like God is making me sit still.

I hate sitting still.
I like to do things.
I need to move.

When life is overwhelming sometimes you have no option but to sit in a hospital room and wait.

Wait and think.  Wait and Pray.   Wait and trust.

It’s hard to see far into the future when you have an immediate issue in front of you.  But when life puts you in time out you need to think.  You need to pray.

Think about your blessings.

In the midst of trials to get your mind out of the gutter you need to think about the blessings of God.

Thank you Lord that I have children to love and take care of.
Thank you Lord that I have an amazing wife who takes such good care of all of us.   Thank you Lord for your church that reaches out to help.
Thank you Lord for sending Charyl’s mom and sister to help her at the hospital and provide the support and encouragement that Joy and Charyl have needed.

So many people have checked on Joy, helped with children, brought us dinner and prayed for us.

What do people do who do not have a church family?

Thank you Lord that we live in a place where our children can get good health care.  Many children in the world don’t have hospitals like we do.
Thank you Lord for nurses and doctors that care about helping my child get well.
Thank you Lord that my mom is here from Florida to help with the other 4 children. There is always so much to be grateful for.

If we keep our eyes on our circumstances we will be overwhelmed and consumed.  But if we keep our eyes on Jesus we have hope.  We have hope that there’s a better tomorrow, even if today stinks.

If you take the time to be grateful in the midst of feeling overwhelmed it brings a calm to your soul.  It’s God reminding you that He is good.

A pastor friend in Florida has been praying for my family and for Joy.  He sent me this text: “Hold to His promise to you in Lamentations 3:21-23 ‘This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope.  It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.  They are new every morning: great is Thy faithfulness”

Think about the faithfulness of God.

Remembering what I have to be thankful for and dwelling on the faithfulness of God helps me when going through overwhelming times as a parent.   Knowing deep in my heart and soul that He doesn’t leave me and He doesn’t forsake me.  If I will lean into Him, I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.  I can be content and even joyful in every situation.

When you have a sick kid and you can’t help them, the beast of fear starts rising up in your heart. You are keenly aware of your lack of ability to help your child.   The only answer to fear is faith.  Fear yells at you with all the things that could go wrong.  Fear brings up the worst-case scenario first.

Faith reminds you that you have been here before and God’s brought you through.
Faith reminds you that God is in control of every breath.
Faith reminds you that God loves your child more than you do.
Faith reminds you that no matter what happens God’s in control of it all and His word is true, “He works all things to the good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.”

Faith and hope working together are powerful forces.

Who knows when this season of sickness will end?  We may be in for another difficult week.Screen Shot 2019-05-27 at 7.29.08 AM.png

I pray we will honor God in the storm.  I am also praying that He will stand up and calm the storm.   He knows best.

 

Marriage, The Fountain Of Life Or The Kiss Of Death

Marriage is a pill with the same label to everyone who swallows it, but to some it’s life giving and to some it’s a bitter poison.  I am 13 and ½ years into the best marriage I have ever had.  Ok, the only marriage I have ever had but it is the best!

Ecclesiastes 9:9 says, “Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vainlife that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun.”

Marriage is supposed to be enjoyed!

I’m at the age where many of the people I went to High School and College with are going through the Facebook change.

You know what I mean. You see it.

One day you see a picture on their profile and it’s just them.  Their spouse is no longer in the picture.  I mean literally they are out of the picture.   They’ve been scrubbed out of the profile and out of their life.

As the world of social media goes, these are people whom I’m friends with but I don’t see on a regular basis.  Many of them I haven’t seen for years.  I look a little deeper into their profiles and I find out that their marriage ended.

…and I grieve for them.

…They didn’t ask me to.

…They may not be grieving…

But I am

You may be one of these friends of mine who has gone through a divorce.  Maybe you are doing well and things are going well after the divorce, for that I’m thankful.

But for me to see marriages end hurts me to the core.  Many times I feel like I grieve over marriages that are lost more than the people getting a divorce.  I know that no one gets married with the hope to someday be divorced.

I’ve been trying to pinpoint in my on heart why I’m so hurt when people I have little connection with go through divorce.  I think there are a few reasons.

I impose myself into their story and I think about if Charyl and I were ever to divorce.   This may be the root of it.  Our lives are so interconnected and our love for one another is so deep that I think for me it would be worse than death.  I think about the deep deep hurt that must take place between two people who were intimately joined together for years and now are split apart. I just can’t even allow myself to go there.

I think about the kids. Having just gone through the Holidays and experiencing the joy of everything together I couldn’t imagine how tough it must be for children to understand how everything has changed. How the very foundation of their security has unraveled and they are helpless to do anything about it.  Many times the children blame themselves.  They have to learn a new life and navigate going to different homes and having different schedules.  They have to learn a new way that their parents are interacting.  No longer as mom and dad but often as adversaries.  I don’t want that for my kids.

I think about how my friends who are divorcing may have been cheated on or cheated in the marriage.  I think about the pain of betrayal and loss of trust that must of happened.  I’m sure it must have rocked them to their very core.  To have the person you trust most betray you in the most intimate way must be a pain that is so deep.  I grieve for them to have to go through that.  I hurt that they hurt, many times through no fault of their on.

It also grieves me because I feel like the most valuable gift a person can have has been discarded. There is no greater gift than marriage. I know this may not feel true for many, for some it may feel like a curse.  But marriage is a gift from God and when a married couple loves and supports each other through life there is no greater gift.

Marriage is making a life together with someone who knows you best.

Marriage is having your best friend with you through every season.

Marriage is getting past the initial butterflies of first love feelings and finding something better, something deeper called friendship.

Marriage is laughing, crying and having someone to send GIFs to all day long. Marriage is frustrating and sanctifying.

Marriage is having someone with you to take you to the hospital and sit with you.

Marriage is exploring life and the world with your true love.

Marriage is a picture of something greater, Christ and His Church.  The real meaning of marriage is to show the world a picture of a relationship that matches God and His people.  When a marriage fails the picture is lost.

I really grieve because I feel like my friends missed out on the greatest gift.  I hate to see my friends miss out on good things.   What they wanted for a good thing became a horrible thing their lives.

I would offer a little bit of hope when it comes to marriage.

If you are not married and want to be married, make sure your marry well.   So many marriages end because they never should have started. Young couples are infatuated with each other and know nothing of commitment but marriage seems attractive to them so they jump in and pretty quickly jump out.  Before you get married you better ask yourself a few questions.

Do our values/beliefs match?

Do we want the same things out of life?

Do we have the same ideas about children (how many we want and how we will raise them)?

Have you learned to fight fair?

Do you like their family?

Do you have the same ideas about money?

Do you enjoy their friendship?  If you weren’t attracted to them physically would you still want to hang out with them?

How do they handle stress? When and if you have children the stress levels will rise.

It is surely better to wait or be single than to marry the wrong person.  Never get married without going to premarital counseling first.  Marriages are easy to get into but painful to get out of.   Get into the right marriage.  Maybe you feel like your season of youth is passing and you feel the pressure that if you don’t get married now then it probably won’t happen for you. Again, better to be single than to marry the wrong person.  Wait. Pray.

If you are married and struggling there is hope!

I have been in ministry for about 18 years now and I have seen so many marriages on the brink of collapse that have been restored and are now healthy and thriving.

Keep Trying.

Keep forgiving.

Go see a counselor.

Talk to your pastor.

Get involved in a couples group at your church.

Actually work on your marriage.

Be loving and respectful even when your spouse is not.

I have counseled many couples and I understand that not every marriage is going to make it.  One person is not enough to make a marriage work. Too many times I have seen one spouse who will literally do anything to save their marriage and the other spouse could care less.  Unfortunately, most of these marriages do not make it.  It takes two people both giving a 100%.

But when two imperfect people surrender to a perfect God and allow Him to lead their marriage there is nothing sweeter!  IMG_7543

If I can help you in some way with your marriage send me a personal message.  There are so many resources out there to help with those who really want it.

 

 

 

 

How To Have A Drama Free Thanksgiving

When should a Christian speak up and when should they shut up?

At the time of this writing it is just a few days away from Thanksgiving.  It’s a time of year we get to spend time with our family, be thankful, and argue meaningless politics over a family meal.  Whether it is at the dinner table or on social media, our culture is full of political opinions and division.

As a Christian how do we balance Romans 12:18 which says, “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone,” with our great desire to tell everyone we know our great wisdom on who to vote for that will save the country?

My friends and family are like yours; they are passionate about political issues. As a pastor I often wrestle with when to speak up and when to shut up.  I am a person who speaks more than I listen. This can get me in trouble.

The older (and hopefully wiser) I get the more I keep my mouth (and social media account) shut when it comes to political opinions. There are no lack of pastors and spiritual leaders speaking into politics. Some even run for office themselves.
Jesus told His followers how to live but that is not the same as telling a nation how to govern. The disciples of Jesus and the crowds on multiple occasions tried to make Jesus their political leader (king). He would have none of it. He clearly showed the path to have, ‘God’s Kingdom come and will be done on earth as it is In Heaven’ was not through any political means. It would be through His disciples living differently and sharing the gospel that would be the change agent in the world. Christians would not take up arms but lay down their lives as sheep to the slaughter.

Here are a few things I am learning from watching years of endless political debate on TV, online and in person.

Political debates/arguments are almost never helpful and almost always cause further division.

Whether you believe the President is an orange buffoon or if you believe that Hillary Clinton should be locked up, or both, telling everyone probably will change no ones mind.  I know that when I put something on social media I have many friends with many different political beliefs. I don’t want to risk a greater wedge between a potential friend and myself over a fruitless argument. I would rather be a bridge builder than a wedge driver. The gospel of Jesus is by its very nature offensive. The gospel reveals our sin in order to give us the good news of repentance and faith in Jesus. Politics just divide and hurt.  I see it everyday online from all parties.

Jesus chose to stay out of explicitly political arguments and this is a great principle for me to follow.

Jesus always spoke spiritual truth. When He would address spiritual issues of the day it would often bleed over into addressing the political issues of the day. He could not have been clearer about the fact that His kingdom was not of this world. Ours should not be either.

Both Parties have flawed platforms

The fear of elevating a party and arguing its points is that you can become part of group thinking that never opposes your party.   I often disagree with policies and people on both sides of the aisle.  As a Christian, you should too.

My job is to speak Biblical truth and when that spills over then it spills over but it should not be my aim to get tied up in political arguments.

If someone really cares about my opinion about a political matter then they will ask me. If they ask me I will tell them.  For a Christian the goal of life is not to support an elephant or donkey. We have allegiance to a Lamb. We lay down our lives so that others may know Him. My political leaning could be a stumbling block for people knowing Jesus. I don’t want to be a stumbling block.

A few guiding questions:

Is speaking about politics your calling? 

God specifically calls out people to speak to certain issues.  If this is you, then go for it, but this is not most of us.

Is this helpful?

Is what you’re about to say going to help anyone or is it just sharing your opinion?  

Did you take a day to think about the repercussions?

Most of the time when share something that offends or “triggers” others it is because we did it in hast.  Whatever you share on the Internet is forever…even if you delete it. Screenshots can be made of whatever you post and can come back to hurt you later.  If you think your post might cause unnecessary division then take a night to think and pray about whether to say or post it.

Does your spouse think you should say/post it?

My wife is great at telling me what is and what is not helpful…if I would just listen to her.

Will this drive an unnecessary wedge between you and your friends and family?

Will people you love lose respect for you because of your engagement in this discourse?

One of the hardest things about the last Presidential cycle was how many spiritual heroes I lost great respect for because of how they voiced their political opinions.  In my eyes many of those leaders showed blatant hypocrisy in their politics.  These are leaders that I now no longer look up to as I once did.  I do not want what I think politically to make me lose spiritual influence with someone who may look up to me.

When it boils down to it the Thumper rule is always a powerful rule.  You remember Thumper from the movie Bambi.  His mother told him, “Thumper, if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all.”    If we all lived by the Thumper rule oh how different our world might be.

Screen Shot 2018-11-19 at 6.35.39 AM.pngSo for the most part, I will simply keep my mouth shut about things political.  I will speak for life and I will speak for issues, but I will try to stay above the drama and hurt.  There is a wise Proverb from the Bible that can really help when it comes to this area of life.

Proverbs 17:27-28 “Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.  Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.”

After looking at everything, if you are still unsure whether you should speak up or not…it is probably best to just keep it to yourself.